A lot of people have asked me a lot of questions about asexuality, and do you know what? That’s a good thing, I’m glad people are asking questions. From someone who is asexual, the concept is kind of easy to grasp, but I’d imagine to allosexual (non-asexuals, which should just be “sexual people” imo) people, saying you don’t want to have sex is like saying that you don’t want to eat food. It’s not abnormal, but it seems like a sign of something legitimately being wrong with that person. To tell you the truth, given the choice about being allosexual or asexual, I wouldn’t know which I’d pick. They both seem to have a lot of advantages and disadvantages.

I am an asexual male. Particularly a sex-repusled asexual male. Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed, but I am. Sex-repulsed means that seeing genitals of either sex, no matter how physically appealing they might be, or even the act of sex itself makes me feel legitimately disgusted. Now, let me be perfectly clear: I am not against people having sex. I am not against pornography. Or pretty much any consensual sexual act between two consenting adults. As long ass they’re not doing it in front of me, I have absolutely no problem with it.

This presents itself with a bunch of questions, the most obvious one being: what about your genitals? Well, let me make something very, very clear. I am very comfortable with having a male set of genitals, and I am comfortable with being male, but mostly I choose to ignore it. I also don’t like touching it. Second obvious question: do you see this as a problem? And I’ll tell you right now, that is a very loaded question. It’s a bad idea to ask if someone sees their own sexuality as a problem. The answer is, I manage to deal with it, I’d prefer life without this particular aspect of myself, but it’s not something that could or should be “fixed.”

Let’s go over the thing that bothers me the most: I most likely can’t be a father. That pains me a lot. I know that drugs exist to “Get it up.” (Let me make it clear, I have no trouble “Getting it up.” I am totally functional on my own). Those drugs don’t remove fears or anxieties and I can only imagine doing something like that would legitimately be traumatic. So, even if I managed to cohabitate with an aromantic asexual of the opposite sex, it still would not be enough. Also, let’s get this out of the way quickly: a single man trying to be an adoptive or foster father is borderline impossible in the United States, and a lot of doctors and psychiatrists don’t believe asexuality exists, so help from that community is unlikely.

And all of this is taking the other person completely out of the equation. If I were to ever become a parent, I would not do it alone. (It wouldn’t be years down the road anyway, I currently don’t have the funds, necessary experience, and still need to get my own life in order). There would obviously have to be another person involved. I am also aromantic though. You’d have to explain to me why people kiss each other, give each other hickeys, because I don’t get it. I mean I know why people have sex. Like, that’s obvious.

Do I want to be a father? At some point in my life, yes. Unfortunately, my set of circumstances makes it borderline impossible. I don’t know if I’ve still come to terms with that yet. After all, I’m only 23. And before you say “just get over it/try and get over your fear,” let me hit you with an example. Get over… your fear/hesistance of picking up New York City sewage with your bare hands. It’s a lot easier said than done.

Speaking of which, let’s go after the flat out insults and common misconceptions. I tend to get. “You’re just a prude.” No, I’m not. I don’t care what you do with any consenting adult. It’s largely the same to me. “You just can’t get laid.” No, I don’t want to get laid. There’s a difference. “Have you been sexually abused?” No, sexual abuse is probably the only type of abuse that hasn’t happened to me. “You’re just a late bloomer.” Male puberty begins around age 11-13, and ends around age 21. I am currently 23. “How do you know if you haven’t tried it yet?” How did you know you were heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual/whatever before you tried it? What’s stopping you from trying something else? “Have you gone to the doctor?” Not interested.

So, what are the benefits of being asexual? I said there were some of them. Well, for one I have like a zero percent risk of venerial diseases for the rest of my life. There’s a very low chance of me getting into a bad relationship, a low chance of finding myself in a divorce after a marraige gone sour. It prevents me from being teased or manipulated by people trying to use their looks to get what they want (and yes, people do that.). I see both sexes equally because I equally don’t have sexual/romantic attraction to either of them.

And yeah… I know that’s kind of like… “If I never ride on a plane, then I’ll never be in a plane crash” (even though that all of those above things are FAR more likely to happen to any given person), but you got to look on the bright side, you know? Life is a lot less spicy, but there’s no chance you’ll find a spice you’re allergic to. Now for the fun stuff. Do I think society has affected me at all in a negative way? Well… uh… yes. The answer is yes. And it’s not for the above fatherhood issues. That’s a different thing that I don’t think is against asexuality.

Going chronologically, as an infant I was circumcized. Before I say anything, whether or not this should be done to wider society is a different debate that I’m not having here. Let’s start with the fact that I grew up to be an agnostic atheist asexual man. Circumcision is a religious practice (a religion that my parents were not a part of, for the record), and the proported benefits are stopping sexually transmitted diseases. Did this operation, done without my consent, for mostly “whatever” reasons (my mother didn’t even know what the fuck a circumcision was when I asked her) have any positive benefits? Nope. And to tell the truth, I am angry and resentful. I believe that all human beings should have the right against unwanted medical procedure. If it’s part of a religion, do it when people are old enough to consent to that religion, especially if it involves surgery. I’m not angry that I was baptized. If you want, I can debate the medical stuff later, even though like every study is inconclusive and many contradict each other. (Circumcision stops HIV, that’s why Africa and America [the countries with the high rates of circumcision] have the most cases of HIV!). And yes, I am aware that in the grand scheme of things, I got off better than people like David Reimer.

What would you call it if someone was shoving drawings of genetalia in your face every single day by some people who thought it was funny? You’d call that sexual harrasment. I’d call that junior high school. 7th and 8th grade were absolute hell. Everyone else was becoming sexually aware, and I still had that childlike innocence. And Jr. High kids are assholes. If you don’t like something, they’ll keep doing it. If they’re your friend? That just means it’s okay for them to do that. And someone please, please explain this to me. Why did my friends keep calling me gay, when me, a male, didn’t like looking at their (also male) drawings of penises, that they thought were the funniest things ever. That is one of the biggest sexual questions that has alluded me all of my life. And no, they weren’t using the context of “that’s so stupid.” That was, to them, a genuine indicator that I might have been gay.

Let’s see, a 23-year-old male who’s never had his first kiss, let alone lost his virginity, that’s an acceptable target. Public sex education that didn’t even hint that asexual people existed, taking me longer than it should have to learn my of my own sexuality. Borderline zero media representation. Most stereotypes about men being that they want and need to have sex all the fucking time. (And now probably me shooting down that stereotype being blamed on my asexuality). The DSM-IV treating asexuality as a disease (thankfully I didn’t discover my own until the DSM-V came out, which still isn’t perfect, but it’s better).

That’s just off of the top of my head. Am I expecting things to change? The Jr. High Stuff no, but I can hope that the other stuff does change. I mean if people want to fix it, by all means, I’d love that. I am obviously expecting more trouble down the road, with issues like intimacy, and like I mentioned earlier, fatherhood. Thanks for your questions, you’ve been a wonderful audience. I’m sure there’s something I left out here, but I’ll probably remember it in due time. If you have any follow-up questions, don’t be afraid to ask.