Dear certain people,

I live my life in fear of being assaulted, killed, rejected and outed. I know I get talked of behind my back by people I care a lot about. I constantly got teased on for being such a masculine “girl” as a kid. I’ve constantly been depressed, anxious and suicidal through out all of my teenage years. I’m sometimes terrified of going outside if I’ll meet someone I used to know that doesn’t know that I’m trans. I wouldn’t even move to another place, because I’m scared of being trans with totally new people. I mostly avoid getting to know new people, because I’ll have to come out to them sooner or later or I’ll be terrified of them finding out if I wouldn’t tell them. I have had so much internalized transphobia. I’ve absolutely hated myself and my life for being trans. Some of the people I love won’t talk to me. I’ve tried taking my life in relation to me being trans. And you dare talk about “cisphobia”, how certain things are okay if they’re a joke, calling me the t-slur because “you don’t mean it like that”. You dare to tell me that if I take something seriously, I’m being ridiculous or that I then “can’t take a joke”. When I kept being in the closet when I seriously couldn’t bare being alive anymore because I wasn’t out because of people’s taboo, except when they would in fact joke about it once in a while. Then I thought those jokes were what I deserved. I was in such a bad place that those jokes were actually fucking amazing, because in other cases I didn’t even exist. But now it’s different and I deserve so much better. You dare to tell me that I can’t be scared because of these things because that’s not what “ ‘real men’ do” and I can’t do it if I’m going to be a “real man”, when you don’t know a fucking thing about what I’ve been through to even be here. What I’ve been through for your fucking narrow minded twisted mind to even begin to see me as a “real man”. You dare to tell me that “I can’t get mad” about these things when I’m not even letting you see/hear 99% of my pain and anger that I kept in for years in relationship to me being trans, when all I wanted to do for a long time was to kill myself. And I know, I know how you’re thinking. Sometimes I wouldn’t take things very seriously either. I wouldn’t let things get to me. I would be totally carefree and I’d think whatever was funny and you could joke about me, but then I’d look in the mirror and dysphoria would totally destroy me. Then that person would be gone and things wouldn’t be so fucking funny anymore. You don’t know any of the struggles I’ve been through and I’m going through and maybe you should get out of your own heads once in a while to see how it actually is in this world and see the real harm you’re causing.