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disjointed thoughts

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if I was to change one small thing. If I was DMAB would my life be better or worse? If my parents stayed together, would I be different? If they broke up years earlier, would it still be the same? Would I still have the same friends? Would I still be this way?

I’m always afraid to show how I feel. I wonder why that is? Am I naturally that way, or is it because of how I grew up? Why can’t I just be honest about my feelings? Quite the hypocrite we are, Tuxedo. Advocating honesty and you can’t even follow your own mantra. Jackass.

I don’t feel like I have a place in the world. I want to fit somewhere. I want some kind of purpose. Even if it’s something small and seemingly insignificant, I’ll take it. I just want some sense of belonging.

I like feeling needed. I like helping people. I want to be needed. I want to know that somebody needs me, because good lord do I need you.

Is it wrong to just…not feel anything? I’m not angry or sad or afraid. I’m numb.

I’m not sure if I have a self deprecating sense of humor, or if I genuinely think these things about myself.

I don’t like making people worry about me, but at the same time, I need them. Sometimes I just need to yell and scream, sometimes I need to cry and sometimes I need to be left alone. But when I need you, I need you. I’m a wreck.

Is it wrong that the thing I relate to most is a fat alcoholic cartoon horse?

I know I’ve done bad things in my life. I know I can’t change the past, but I still feel guilt and shame over things I did years ago. I don’t know how to get over some emotions. Hate for some, love for another, shame for things I’ve done…
I can’t let go.

Part of me sees a sadistic, selfish, explosive ass who puts his guard up as soon as eye contact is made. Another part sees a fragile, fearful, teary eyed coward who wants to be loved. Which one is real? Are they both the same man?

Greasers

reblog if you agree

when your shitty feelings do the thing

and you fall for someone you can never have

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