I’ve become so emotionally detached from my father that I’ve lost all feelings toward him, spare contempt. My sole motivation for improving myself as a person is so I never have to see him again. The moment I am independent, I no longer have a father.
This is my goal. This is what drives me. I’ve been out of school for eight months, I’m unemployed, my mental health is in the toilet and yet, that is what pushes me.

I find it tragically ironic that the “man” who is supposed to help me grow as a person and prepare me for the world ahead has emotionally crippled me to the point of chronic depression.
I put quotes around the word man because that is not what a man is. A man is not somebody who will blatantly disregard his son’s mental health. A man is not somebody who punches his son’s leg in a “joking” fashion, and mock him when he flinches at the sight of him. A man doesn’t scream and shout at his child for things he has no control over. A man doesn’t make his child cry in total fear when he gets too close.
A man is somebody who will do their very best to care for and support those they love. They are not perfect. No one is. They will listen, and ask questions, so as to try and understand a situation they themselves have not experienced. They will show that they care, in their own way.
My father is no man. I’m done being patient. I’m done trying to get through to him. There’s no helping him. All he’s done since I was a child was make me feel unloved, insignificant and disposable. Nothing I did was ever enough. He never took interest in my art, never asked me about what I liked or even really tried talking to me. All he cared about was my grades, and those were never good enough either. Even as young as ten, I felt like a burden. I stopped trying to talk to my dad and kept it all inside while essentially giving up trying to impress him. I just sat up in my room and played games to avoid speaking to anyone. Eight years later, nothing has changed.
I’m always afraid of my dad kicking me out, because I know he would do it. He openly told me, at fourteen, that he would’ve made me live with my mom if she had her own place and more cash. He would’ve sold the house and moved down south. He would’ve left my brother and I with a bumbling moron on the fine line of incompetence. Though, as I’ve grown older, I’ve developed a similar mindset. My motivation for improving as a person is to move away and never return. Never call, never visit, never see him again. There is no affection, no warmth. Just frustration and mental scars.
It’s sad that I’m not used to affection. I’m not used to being liked or not being seen as a pest by other people. I grew up thinking that no one would ever fall in love with me or even try to be my friend. While that was half true at best, I still feel alone, even to this day. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy and free of these bad thoughts.
I don’t usually like people, but when I do, I get attached to them. I want to be as important to them as they are to me. I get attached to a few people, somehow befriend them, and they stick around. I don’t need tons of friends, just a few close ones. Though, I’m never good about calling them or chatting if they don’t call/message first..ought to work on that as well…
Love was always a different beast. I didn’t have my first real crush until I was 15 or so. She was a very smart and very sweet girl, if a bit soft spoken. I remember sending her a Facebook message at the encouragement of a mutual friend. I told her how I felt, only to immediately regret it and apologize a little more than I should’ve. Much to my surprise, the feelings were mutual, though the relationship wouldn’t last long. To be fair, we both had our own issues. It was for the best.
A little over a year later, I started dating a very cute boy. He was funny, adorable and even pretty smart. The exchange of feelings was just as awkward as before. Go figure. He didn’t seem to mind though. We dated for a year or so, before a mutual breakup. Shit happens.
Those two people really made me feel like I meant the world to someone. Not my family, but two very good people.
I’ve given up trying to do my family proud. It’s never worked, and it never will work. I’ve found more of a family in my friends.
Respect is earned, never handed to you. Blood relation doesn’t change that. Mother, father, sister, brother, they still need to earn your respect. If they do nothing to earn it, you do not have to give it to them. I have no respect for someone who treats people the way my father treats me. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I’ve felt all these years. No innocent person should ever feel worthless, useless, unloved, disposable or anything of the sort. You are a human being. You are valid. Your emotions and aspirations are valid. There is always someone who would be utterly heartbroken if you were gone. You might not know it, but they’re there. There is always someone who cares about you, even if they have trouble showing it. I know I’m a terribly shy and timid person and I have to jump through many mental hoops to even message a friend, but that doesn’t change the fact that I care about every one of them deeply and would rush to their aid if they ever needed me. Nobody should feel like they don’t matter, because you do. You matter to someone. If it means anything, you matter to me. I’ll listen if you pop by and want to rant a bit. Even if I don’t have much to say, I will sit and I will listen. You deserve to be heard.

I feel inadequate. Useless. I’m useless. People I know, friends and bullies alike are all working or off to college, and I’m here wallowing in whatever pit of self loathing I’ve dug this time. I don’t want to feel jealous of these people, but I do. I hate hearing my friends talk about college. It just serves as a reminder that I’m a failure. I just want to live life as a normal man.
But I’m not, nor will I ever be. I’m an 18 year old pre-T trans man with social anxiety, general anxiety, hypochondria and depression. I’m either spoken to as a girl or as a child and I’m crippled by my mental health. I can’t work right now. College is a big no. My dad seems to make it a point to bring it up at every opportunity. “Hey, when are you gonna get a damn job? If you’re not working, go back to school.”
My brother just throws salt in my wounds, always telling me just how useless I am and how it’d just be better if I killed myself. He said he’d kill me himself if he knew he wouldn’t get caught.
I’m afraid of telling the girl I like how I feel because I don’t want to burden her with my mere existence. I can never shake the feeling that my friends are tired of hearing me complain constantly. I don’t like venting to friends because I always go off on one guy and he never deserves it. ru55ianbearbro I’m sorry I always snap at you. I’m sorry I’m a piece of garbage. You just want to help me and I always turn on you when you don’t deserve it. You deserve so much better.
I just want to be normal and live a normal life. I want to be a normal guy.

Here’s to my mother

For making me feel like irredeemable garbage because of my anxiety and depression, for invalidating my feelings, for all the guilt trips, panic attacks and bruises, for humiliating me at every turn, for failing as both a person and a mother.

For eighteen years of fear, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, anger and misery, here’s to you.