disjointed thoughts

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if I was to change one small thing. If I was DMAB would my life be better or worse? If my parents stayed together, would I be different? If they broke up years earlier, would it still be the same? Would I still have the same friends? Would I still be this way?

I’m always afraid to show how I feel. I wonder why that is? Am I naturally that way, or is it because of how I grew up? Why can’t I just be honest about my feelings? Quite the hypocrite we are, Tuxedo. Advocating honesty and you can’t even follow your own mantra. Jackass.

I don’t feel like I have a place in the world. I want to fit somewhere. I want some kind of purpose. Even if it’s something small and seemingly insignificant, I’ll take it. I just want some sense of belonging.

I like feeling needed. I like helping people. I want to be needed. I want to know that somebody needs me, because good lord do I need you.

Is it wrong to just…not feel anything? I’m not angry or sad or afraid. I’m numb.

I’m not sure if I have a self deprecating sense of humor, or if I genuinely think these things about myself.

I don’t like making people worry about me, but at the same time, I need them. Sometimes I just need to yell and scream, sometimes I need to cry and sometimes I need to be left alone. But when I need you, I need you. I’m a wreck.

Is it wrong that the thing I relate to most is a fat alcoholic cartoon horse?

I know I’ve done bad things in my life. I know I can’t change the past, but I still feel guilt and shame over things I did years ago. I don’t know how to get over some emotions. Hate for some, love for another, shame for things I’ve done…
I can’t let go.

Part of me sees a sadistic, selfish, explosive ass who puts his guard up as soon as eye contact is made. Another part sees a fragile, fearful, teary eyed coward who wants to be loved. Which one is real? Are they both the same man?