I feel inadequate. Useless. I’m useless. People I know, friends and bullies alike are all working or off to college, and I’m here wallowing in whatever pit of self loathing I’ve dug this time. I don’t want to feel jealous of these people, but I do. I hate hearing my friends talk about college. It just serves as a reminder that I’m a failure. I just want to live life as a normal man.
But I’m not, nor will I ever be. I’m an 18 year old pre-T trans man with social anxiety, general anxiety, hypochondria and depression. I’m either spoken to as a girl or as a child and I’m crippled by my mental health. I can’t work right now. College is a big no. My dad seems to make it a point to bring it up at every opportunity. “Hey, when are you gonna get a damn job? If you’re not working, go back to school.”
My brother just throws salt in my wounds, always telling me just how useless I am and how it’d just be better if I killed myself. He said he’d kill me himself if he knew he wouldn’t get caught.
I’m afraid of telling the girl I like how I feel because I don’t want to burden her with my mere existence. I can never shake the feeling that my friends are tired of hearing me complain constantly. I don’t like venting to friends because I always go off on one guy and he never deserves it. ru55ianbearbro I’m sorry I always snap at you. I’m sorry I’m a piece of garbage. You just want to help me and I always turn on you when you don’t deserve it. You deserve so much better.
I just want to be normal and live a normal life. I want to be a normal guy.

I’m very on the fence about whether or not I want T and/or surgery, but I feel like if I don’t, I won’t be taken seriously as a grown man. I’m 18, 5'2", scrawny as all hell, I have a feminine face and I just hate it. Especially my lips. I want to rip them off my face and burn them. My dad doesn’t take me seriously as a man because I’m small and I like pink and cute stuff and pastels and plushes. He doesn’t even call me by name. I just want to be respected and accepted as any other man, but I feel like I would never get that as I am.
I hate my chest, but I’m okay with what’s south of the border(I’m also asexual, so it’s not like anyone else is gonna use it). I don’t know what to do.

Here’s to my mother

For making me feel like irredeemable garbage because of my anxiety and depression, for invalidating my feelings, for all the guilt trips, panic attacks and bruises, for humiliating me at every turn, for failing as both a person and a mother.

For eighteen years of fear, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, anger and misery, here’s to you.